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Tempest - Lorelei

  For some hours now I have been trying to convince myself to take my few sparse decorations off my dorm walls. I have been hesitating because I hate how blank the walls look once the pictures are gone. I hate the starkness. But unless I want to get charged for paint being off the wall then they need to come down. I'm not personally responsible for the paint being off the walls. They were in this condition when I moved in, but I am not about to be blamed for someone else's handy work. I really hate getting blamed for things I have not done.

  But sitting here, looking at the decorations on my walls, I realize that almost anywhere I go I take so many odd trinkets. Just for a weekend get away I will take a number of different books. I do this because not only do I worry about not having something to read while I am away, but I also make sure I want to have a selection. I also pack too many clothes for the exact same reason. I'm always afraid that what I take with me will not be what I want to wear. Needless to say, many things in my life are on a day to day basis. Since I started college and Charleston and have been staying in a dorm I have also come to realize that I always bring more things with me than necessary. Its not just books or clothes or movies, its personal effects. For example, I have 3 different blankets here. One was made by my mother, another by my ex-girlfriend, and the other is just a green one I bought a year ago. Green is a special color to me. I can't explain it. Who needs 3 blankets when they are away from home? I don't, but I do. I need them all because they are all special to me. They give off this feeling of comfort. I can't explain it. I'm strange. I know.

  Blankets aside, of the things I have hanging on my wall they are either postcards from various places, a dream catcher, a couple of Irish plaques, a note board, black and white photos I have taken of various objects, and a Master and Commander movie poster that came from the special edition. its really strange because I only have one picture of my family set up and no pictures of my friends. This bothers me in a way I cannot really explain.

  Anyways, I suppose this is why I hate to start packing several days before I am meant to leave to go anywhere because I feel comforted by my things. They also seem to help with my sense of self. I cannot imagine my world with blank walls. I cannot imagine my life unadorned. There is also that fear that if I pack something away now then I might need it later. Not that I couldn't go dig it back out, but isn't it  just best to live it where it is for now? I'm also very protective of my possessions i find. I hate for harm to come to them. Now someone may look at my room and say it was just a bunch of knick-knacks. I would be offended. Nothing I own is a knick-knack or some senseless decorative object. Its a symbol, its a memory, its something I hold very dear to me. No these are not just things. They are small landmarks of my life, chronicling my journey through life.

  Another thing I have come to learn about myself is that I am terrified of being abandoned. Its one of those deep scars from my parents divorce. Its honestly one of my biggest fears. Growing up you can't help but wonder why you were not good enough reason for a parent to stay. It was only made worse over time when my dad had quite literally nothing to do with my sister or myself. I know people come and go in our lives and we can do nothing to prevent it, but the goings that hurt the worst for me are when its the people I care about most. I suppose I have always thought that if I loved someone enough, that if I cared about them enough then they wouldn't leave me. But I have found out the hard way several times that this is not true. We can only be ourselves. 

  *sighs* I need to make myself some dinner even though I am not hungry. I need to email my English friend my flight information. I need to finish my reading for French. I need to take my things off the walls and put a work order in. What I really want to do is obtain about $100 and spend it all on books. Not that $100 gets you really far when it comes to buying books. :/ 

   

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